"Stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'real' life. They are precisely one's real life." --C.S. Lewis

Many of us have read the quote above. I know I've seen it several times. We ponder its significance, its truth. It's so deep! It's so true! And then we move on.

But today I am unable to move on. This quote may be true, but today its truth kinda' pisses me off.

Allow me to explain.

I believe, deep down in my gut, that I have some sort of great, deep, grand purpose. Whether that's true or not, it's a passion I have worked from since I was around 15 or 16. At that time, I felt my purpose was going to be to reach my generation through the venue of Christian music. We all know how that worked out.

Over the next few years, I had no idea what my purpose was, and I think that's why I was so lost there for a while. Well, I was lost for a lot of reasons, but one of them was that I had no great, grand purpose.


So now I'm left wondering: do I not have a great, grand purpose? Other than being a wife and mother, is my only purpose to bring in a paycheck? I can't believe that. I know I work with students, and I know I work

Is my purpose simply to work hard at what I do, doing the best I can, hoping that there is some eternal value in the interactions I have with students? There is very little I do that feels eternal, and the stuff I do that feels eternal is all done outside of my job. I love the idea of being called to a vocation, a lifelong pursuit of passion and something that brings some right to this world. I just don't feel that I've ever actually been there.

I think Aaron has some of that in his job now. Thank God. What a journey we've been through, and to see him be able to fulfill that idea is wonderful. But it also makes me a bit jealous.

And what about the art? This thing that feels in my bones like a glimpse into eternity, this drive to create that is such hard work, but that fills me up? What about that? Is that ever real life?

Today I just don't know.